What if Dr. House was a exterminator?

I sometimes watch TV shows and wish I could be as bold as the actors. When a cop tells someone flat out that they are lying or when that obnoxious Doctor on House tells his interns how stupid their observations are.

Is that some kind of special person who can just blurt these things out? Is that individual more honest than me or braver? Or is he just rude and crass with no regard to others. Even though I know I’ll never be like this, I sometimes wish that even just a little of this trait was in me and would come out at just the right time.

In the pest control industry you can have a lot of opportunities to be brutally honest in any given day. But most operators I suspect are a lot like me and remain polite, somewhat quiet and try to diplomatically point out ‘suggestions‘ that will aid in solving the problem. Customers for the most part however do not have these inhibitions.

Let’s face it, if you’re in the pest control business you are really in a complaint business. People pay (when they pay) for absolutely no bugs whatsoever regardless of circumstances. Having insects crawl across the counter is a line that when crossed, people become very vocal and demand service in no uncertain terms. They say the damnedest things and by the time the technician arrives at the door (which is never soon enough) the problem has escalated into a full blown infestation of biblical proportions and it is all your fault.

The following is a short list of retorts I think the good Doctor might say;

  • Cust; “You need to use something stronger your chemicals don’t work.”
    House; “That’s odd I just switched to grease and dirt penetrating spray.”


  • Cust; “I have more bugs than when you started.”
    House;”You’ve also had more bugmen, I’m the 6th one this year,correct?”



  • Cust;”I’m not paying you to have bugs.”
    House; “You’re not? That explains why you’re 60 days past due.”



  • Cust;”That stuff doesn’t work.”
    House;”Apparently neither does your mop.”



  • Cust;”I hate getting bills and late notices.”
    House;”I hate not getting paid.”



  • Cust;”I’m not the cleanest person but I’m not that bad.”
    House;”I’m not here to judge you but can you get the spaghetti off the floor? It may help.”



  • Cust;”The bugs are everywhere, spray everything.”
    House;”Funny, but when you called you said you had an earwig on the carport. Now I’m going to have to fog the entire home, can you get a hotel room for the night?”


Of course I don’t think I could ever say these things although I’ve had much worse said to me. No, I just keep on smiling and fighting the good fight. Fortunately the percentage of good customers far outweigh the ones who apparently have their DVR’s set to House and never miss an episode. Me, I’ll just kick back in the evening and try and catch Verminators. It seems like everybody is always so glad to see them as they battle terrible roach and other insect infestations. Don’t get me wrong,I love the show but I’m still waiting to see at least one disgruntled client. Who knows maybe one day the wacky producers of the two shows will get together and you’ll see Dr.House with a sprayer in his hand as he rips into someone with a bedbug problem who hasn’t changed their sheets in a year. Now that would be ‘must see TV.’

About The Bug Doctor

Jerry Schappert is a certified pest control operator and Associate Certified Entomologist with over two and a half decades of experience from birds to termites and everything in between. He started as a route technician and worked his way up to commercial/national accounts representative. Always learning in his craft he is familiar with rural pest services and big city control techniques. Jerry has owned and operated a successful pest control company since 1993 in Ocala,Florida. While his knowledge and practical application has benefitted his community Jerry wanted to impart his wisdom on a broader scale to help many more. Pestcemetery.com was born from that idea in 2007 and has been well received. It is the goal of this site to inform you with his keen insights and safely guide you through your pest control treatment needs.

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