Ok, so I’m a little whack but I just spent the weekend testing for the A.C.E. program and I’ve got insect facts like nodes,spiracles, kingdoms, genus and exoskeletons clogging up my brain so allow me a little creative license here. I mean think of it, pest control is actually in the big 3 list for mankind’s very existence and without it just where would we be? You’ve got your advances in medicine, that’s a no brainer, indoor plumbing which if you think of it is a huge betterment to all our lives and allows us to live cleaner and healthier and then there is pest control. Without it, insects would literally rule the day and you’d be hard pressed to find fresh edible food, our homes would be ram-shackled structures infested with every kind of vermin there was and the vast majority of our population would be sick, dying or already gone due to the wide spread disease and famine that would surely over take us. So in my mind pest control definitely has at least a seat at the table when it comes to grand and noble deeds and fills out most of the definition of what we might consider a super hero. Now all we have to do is put a name and an action figure to it.
Of course the obvious Spiderman comes to mind first but that’s just too easy. Plus who wants a super hero that can get killed by the very thing he’s representing? It wouldn’t look good having him swoop down between two tall city buildings on a web only to get taken out by a can of Raid. No we need to dig a little deeper and find just the right crusader who can’t be defeated that easily. Maybe if we list all of ‘pest controls’ super skills we can come up with the perfect character.
The Invisible Woman might be good because when pest control is at its best you can barely tell it’s there. It just quietly hangs around in all the strategic places waiting for unwanted pests and then Wham! Knocks em for a loop- but then there’s the invisible jet and we don’t really need the publicity of a big carbon footprint. The ‘Hulk’ might do because he’s so powerful and he can knock whole armies of pests down but alas he’s kind of a dim bulb and only uses brute force not at all like our hero ‘pest control’ would. Superman fits the bill here too with those pin point lasers coming from his eyes and his ability fly so fast, I could see him really putting on a good face for the industry and how we get right to the heart of the matter. Oh, wait a minute, he has x-ray vision and we all know that termite inspectors can’t see through walls so with him on board I’m sure our liability claims for termite control would go way up, we can’t have that. Well, we could have Captain America because of his shield that would protect the world from pests or the stretch guy Mr. Fantastic to show our flexibility, Thor who uses his mighty hammer like a tech does his application tools or any number of heros we all grew up with.
Then for obvious reasons there are some we just have to cross off the list. The Human Torch would melt all our glue boards, The Tick is just to creepy, Six Million Dollar Man (we don’t have that kind of budget) or Aqua Man because no one sprays anymore right? Iron Man would rust, Hercules would be sighted for not having proper PPEs (personal protective equipment) and Captain Planet–PLEASE!
Man I just know there has to be a super hero out there that embodies all of pest controls attributes but this list is getting slimmer and I’m not sure if just one will do the trick. Ahhh, but there is one guy who just might work out. He doesn’t always crusade alone but he’s always prepared even when there is an odd situation. He even had a shark on his leg once but just happened to have a can of shark repellent in his tool belt. As a matter of fact his belt carried so many gadgets that allowed him to conquer his foes in any circumstance and his vehicle was always sharp and ready. In a pinch he had the Boy Wonder (a little fruity but work with me) swoop into action to assist him when things got a little tough. Yes, I think Batman might just be our guy. Here’s a super hero who’s clean cut always in uniform and uses the tools of his craft with precision and effectiveness. The bad guys he faces are almost always weird looking and in the old show he was always first with the pests ID. He could figure out riddles, thought on his feet and did I mention his car? Sweet! Plus he was kind to good things like bats and even found a sweet spot in his heart for that crazy Cat Woman lady.
Yea, I think Batman would be a great choice to represent pest control if it were a super hero, now we just need a name. I’m a little wiped out right now and my brain is fried. (you can’t tell right?) I’m going to bed where I don’t have to think of phylums, arthropods or types of insect metamorphoses. Maybe you can come up with a name for me or even a different super hero that would better suit our pest control image. If so I’d love to hear about it. I’m going to bed now and I won’t even have to count the legs on a diplopoda to fall asleep.